Reflections

While I was watching a grief themed video recently, a phrase caught my attention: Losing a spouse feels like an uphill climb. Bingo! When I think of an uphill climb, the Price is Right Cliff Hangers game comes to mind. You know the one with the little mountain climber who ascends the number of dollars you are away from guessing the correct price while a cute little yodel-y song plays? That one. Maybe that tune should be included in my grief playlist? It’s an earworm at a minimum. You’re welcome.

Uphill climb is an apt description. You’re working against gravity. Grief can bring you down suddenly and out of nowhere. It requires extra effort and energy. You’re pushing through brain fog and fatigue on the daily. Your body knows things are “off” and is telling you to give it a rest. Physical and mental endurance are both necessary. Keep going. Don’t give up. This won’t last forever. It will get better. You are not alone. Rinse. Repeat. Leave those phrases/self-talk on a loop in your mind while you’re at it, you’ll need them.

While I’ve never actually climbed a mountain and don’t aspire to, I’ve experienced more than a few uphill battles in my lifetime. Properly equipped for the journey, you will make it through. Insert something about the full armor of God here. I’ve always thought that prayer is the under armor of God, so throw some of that in, too. Add in a support system and a few other essentials, and you’ve increased your chances of making it to the summit and beyond. You’ve got this!

All of this uphill climbing talk has me thinking. I wonder if Psalms of Ascent, rather than all the Laments, might be helpful right now. Psalm 121 has always been a favorite. “I lift up my eyes to the hills.” I see a pattern here. With God’s help, both the hills and valleys are doable. Thanks be to God.

Photo of the Galena stairs, taken in November 2023. He just had to climb them.

Today I was reminded of the importance of collegial connections and having something to look forward to: retirement in this case, whenever that may be. One of the icebreakers during the workshop had us pondering what our dream retirement looks like. I didn’t have an answer to that question.

Losing a loved one disrupts your life, forcing you to rethink everything. Great. I excel at thinking. I own a t-shirt with the phrase “Professional Overthinker” on it. Yep. That’s me. Think. Overthink. Second guess. Ruminate. Think again. Overthink again. Anyone relate?

How I pictured living out the remainder of my days looks very different now. I’m working with a blank canvas: opportunity, mystery, anxiety. All of that. I trust that a new vision will be revealed as my spirit heals. Did you hear that, God? Your servant is listening.

Lately, I’ve been reading “Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief” by David Kessler. The book encourages readers to do exactly what the title says: find meaning through loss by honoring your loved one’s memory in meaningful ways. All of this happens as you navigate searching for meaning and purpose in your own life while you wade in the river of your tears and sorrow. In reading this book, I realize that I’ve already been doing meaning making things and little rituals to remember Dennis, carrying on some of his shticks and whatnot. Finding meaning and purpose in my own life is up for re-evaluation (and overthinking. Ha!).

While my canvas may be blank or blurred, hope abounds. Here’s to healing, health, and hope. And thanks to my colleagues who gave me much needed hugs today

In the days before cinematic universes, we had the Super Friends. Saturday mornings were spent in front of the television watching our favorite characters defeating evil and saving the world from a variety of calamities. My favorite super friend, of course, was Wonder Woman (with Aquaman a very close second). What’s not to love about Wonder Woman? She had it all: confidence, kindness, strength, athletic prowess, intelligence, a magic lasso, and that awesome invisible plane. I have this small Wonder Woman on my home office desk. You press the button on the front, and she says a variety of sayings. She just told me that I am a wonder woman! I suppose that I am because I do a lot of wondering.

Amid this grief era, I wonder when my weary spirit will come back online. You know how it feels when you get the little buffering symbol while waiting for the interwebs to catch up to your need for immediate gratification and the video to play or the screen to load? Now apply that to a person. Yeah, I am buffering.

Back to my wondering. I wonder when a full night’s sleep will return. I wonder when the brain fog will wane. I wonder if this fatigue lasts forever (see lack of sleep and remember the amount of energy grief consumes). I wonder when the paperwork will subside. I wonder what God is up to. I wonder how I am managing to do this. I wonder where the heck my joy went and if it will ever return. I wonder where I will end up once I am beyond the depths. So. Many. Questions. They are rhetorical questions, by the way. I don’t expect answers. Actually, please don’t answer. I know God’s got me and that I’m surrounded and upheld by my people.

If you’ve been wondering what grief is like, this is it, at least for me. I am a wonder woman! Now where did I park that invisible plane?

My Facebook bio reads: Broken. Beloved. Brave. I love God. I love people. I love life.

I consider this to be a fair description of myself. As a human, I’m inherently broken. As a child of God, I am beloved. I don’t know precisely how or when I put the brave part in there. It may have been an aspiration or someone’s observation because most days, I’m feeling quite the opposite. And the love parts? That’s God’s calling on my life: love. Full stop. The life-loving part of me seems to be playing hide-and-seek these days. And now that I think about it, I’m putting on a brave face nearly every day.

Someone recently noted that parts of me were starting to get back to my old self. While that may be an interesting observation (brave face, remember?), that old self is not going to happen, at least not the complete self I was before losing my person. Once you experience a significant loss and the grief takes hold, there is no turning back. Your person is gone, leaving a gaping hole in your heart. While I may appear to be the same person on the outside, I am forever changed within. A quote often (falsely?) attributed to Luther reads, “A Christian is never in a state of completion but always in a process of becoming.” (I don’t have the energy to research properly, so you are welcome to fact-check and correctly cite.) Whoever said it first, that quote resonates with me. I am in an intense phase of becoming. A new creation, right? Just what that creation looks like, only God knows.

I find myself hesitant to post these updates as I wonder if they are downers. However, I remain committed to sharing this grief journey. These updates are just how the grief goes: ride the waves as the tears ebb and flow. I suppose that folks can unfriend, unfollow, or scroll along if they choose. Also know that my concerns extend beyond these grief posts: family, staying up-to-date on world and local events, demands of ministry, administrative tasks relating to death, and tending to my body, mind, and spirit, etc. It’s a lot.

Please know that I continue to do and be the okayest that I can every day. Thanks for walking alongside me. Peace.

Since I live for a good 80’s song reference, here’s one for you. When there’s something strange in your neighborhood, who you gonna call? Ghostbusters, of course. No, this isn’t a ghost story, although I could probably share a few unexplained experiences with you another time. This is all about the who you gonna call.

Most folks have emergency contacts indicated in their phones (I won’t call them by their acronym because, you know). But what happens when you’re the one in the middle of a situation and you’ve got to make the phone calls? Who you gonna call at 2 AM when your person is at the hospital in the middle of a major health crisis? It’s 2 AM. Do you dare call? Do you just text? You don’t really have a whole lot of information yourself at this point, not to mention being in power-through-this mode.

These were decisions I had to make when I found myself driving the longest, darkest 20-mile ride of my life, moving at a snail’s pace, praying aloud for no deer, all while simultaneously racing a helicopter to the next place.  Was the answer obvious? Maybe. The sisters. Notify our sisters. They show up. They stay calm. They always know what to do. I can tell you that being the one making the middle of the night call is just about as fun as receiving one. Not to be the bearer of bad news, but I’m bearing bad news.

The next few hours were spent sending texts en masse to family members. I figured that if folks had their do-not-disturb mode on, they’d pick up the information in the morning. If by chance they heard the text come in and picked it up, that was okay, too. After the first round of texts and phone calls, I did my best to keep everyone updated with any breaking news.

Immediate family, extended family, pastor friends, and close friends who are like family were all subscribed to my medical jargon filled text updates, whether they liked it or not. After a few days of this, I noticed a pattern in my texting: I reached out to Dennis’s network, but not my own. While I was completely and lovingly supported by family members, I didn’t seek out my network of people. That makes me little sad to think about it now. Note to self: unpack that in a safe space later.

Now that Dennis is gone, I haven’t mustered up the courage to remove him from my phone’s emergency contact list. Not only does that feel final, but it requires picking a new primary contact. It also makes you think that if you are no longer your person’s emergency contact because they’re gone, are you anyone’s contact? (I never said grief infused thinking was rational) The whole situation is yet another grief pinch. Ouch.

I’m so grateful that I have a network of folks who love and support me, family and friends that I can call on any time of day. You are a gift. I know who I’m gonna call.

I’ve always been drawn to labyrinths. Some of my life’s most significant moments of discernment happened in labyrinths. If you’re not familiar, their winding paths serve as a metaphor for life or one’s spiritual journey. Moving along their path towards the center, you encounter unexpected twists and turns, moving you closer to and then away from the center. Like a labyrinth, sometimes life sends you on an apparent detour, but you keep moving forward towards the center. At times along the journey you may feel lost, but you persist and ultimately reach the center.

The twists and turns of grief are like this, but also different. Grief feels more like a maze: disorienting, confusing, and frustrating. When you least expect it, you hit a wall: for me today’s wall was a flood of tears that came out of nowhere, for no particular reason. Sadness, loneliness, and fatigue constantly loom in the shadows. Another wave can easily overwhelm your broken spirit at any given moment.

Keep going. Keep breathing. Pray. Pray lots. Sweet memories of your person bring some consolation, turning you around from those maze dead ends as you re-orient yourself to your new reality. This is just a detour, you tell yourself. Trust the path, wherever it leads, however long it takes. Peace.

Photo of 3-D printed labyrinth I received from my son for Mother’s Day this year. He gets me.

I’m pondering putting my social media posts relating to my grief journey on this website instead. Consider this putting the idea out there into the world.

Ash Wednesday marks the entrance into Lent. Typically, we’d participate in a worship service filled with time for reflection, repentance, and experience the imposition of ashes.

As a pastor, some of the most powerful ministry moments happen on occasions such as this. Reminding folks that they’re God’s beloved dust, knowing that you may officiate at their funeral, hear their hurts, baptize their babes, or sit with them in silence as they come to terms with life stuff. All of it. And marking a baby with an ashen cross? Whoa. Cuts right to the heart.

Post-imposition, the presider’s eye view reveals the stark sea of ashen foreheads. The ash penetrating the skin of our pastor thumbs, wedged into cuticle space, sticking with us long after the sending hymn. Humanity. Frailty. Finitude. In constant need of God’s grace, love, and mercy. Dust and all.

Why do you ash? What if you can’t get your ash in church or haven’t set foot in a church for much longer than a pandemic? God’s got you.

This year, consider other reminders of your dusty, broken, belovedness. Read Psalm 51 in a different version of the Bible than your usual go to. Spend extended time in prayer, conversing with the Creator. Take a walk. Observe your surroundings. What’s speaking to you?

My reminder today was road salt:

Salt spreaders scatter salt to keep the roads safe and clear.
God is clearing your path and protecting you along the way.

The salt makes a mess of my vehicle.
You are dusty just like that Honda, sister.

The windshield…I can’t see. No amount of washer fluid is going to fix this.
You see through your life experience filters. All will be revealed in God’s way and time. Besides, you have all the fluid you need: the waters into which you were baptized.

And now I’ve got salt all over my coat because I accidentally rubbed against my car.
You are dust, my beloved.
You are the salt of the earth.
You traveled in and exited the vehicle safely.
I called you. I claimed you. I named you beloved.
I’ve got you, now and forever.

Thanks for the reminder, God. Also thanks for car washes and constant care. Now let’s do Lent.

“One doesn’t discover new lands without consenting to lose sight, for a very long time, of the shore.” – Andre Gide

Inspirational quotes such as this one sound so pleasing to the ears when we first encounter them. Perhaps in reading the quote you envisioned sailing gently away from the shore on a yacht, cruise ship or even a sailboat as I did. Smooth seas. Sunny day. Not a care in the world. Back to reality. Mind you, I have roughly zero boat piloting skills. Other than rowing or paddling, I likely wouldn’t venture far from the shore. Navigation? No problem. I can read a map with the brightest and best of them. Actual steering and driving the boat? Another story for another time.

Pondering the quote on a deeper level proves more challenging. Think about it. Leaving the safety and familiarity of the shore behind, we venture forward. Whether we simply drift away from the coastline or embark full speed ahead, fear of the unknown sneaks in when we find ourselves in uncharted, unfamiliar surroundings. Discovering new lands sounds great until the shoreline sinks into the horizon.

When lost asea with no sight of the shore, how do we respond? Jesus, Savior, Pilot Me comes to mind. Seriously. Trusting God through the ebbs and flows and currents, we float with hope. God’s grace carries us until we land on those distant shores. Shore not in sight? No worries. God’s eyes are on you. Through every stormy night. Through calm or unbridled seas. Through it all. God has you. New lands await.

The earth was a formless void and darkness covered the face of the deep, while a wind from God swept over the face of the waters. – Genesis 1:2

A formless void. That’s what initiating this website feels like to me. You see, I’ve got a bad case of content discontent. I’m prone to posting heartdumps and other ponderings. While posting those things may be therapeutic for me, what do they offer anyone happening upon this site? Is the content meaningful or inspirational? Am I offering the world anything new or unique? Hmmm.

Does it really matter?

Here goes nothing. Look at me, overcoming an emotional hurdle. I have a gift to share. Whatever shape the content takes will be just fine. Let’s do this.