Reflections

Well, I ditched my planned “moment of thanks” tonight and spoke from my heart. Thankfully, the Holy Spirit showed up. I confessed that I’ve been dreading Thanksgiving, especially the whole “everyone share what you’re thankful for” when this year feels like the hardest ever.

Of course, we always have something to be thankful for because God just keeps on giving despite our wavering faith and levels of gratitude. As it turns out, we humans can be griefy and grateful at the same time. I am immensely grateful for all the ways God has shown up this year through my family and the other folks walking alongside me. God provided what I needed exactly when I needed it. God’s grace is truly sufficient.

If you’re struggling this year as I have been, you are not alone. You are loved. God’s got us and will make a way. Always.

Blessings, friends.

November 25. One month until Christmas. Grief tsunami warning issued.

C’mon, you’ve got this. Do you though? Really?

Yeah, you love Advent! Hope, waiting, expectation, and all that jazz.

Not feeling great about it. Feeling griefy at the moment.

Well, yeah. Of course you are, silly. You’ve made many plans. You’ve got tons of love and support. You need to keep showing up.

Okay, but what version do you want to show up? The one doing her best to get through these firsts? The one questioning why God created her, of all people, to be brave? The one who is not going to pretend to be okay when she’s not okay? That’s exactly who is gonna show up. That’s who you get. It might be messy. The sermons might be subpar. There may be tears at times. There may be a few laughs, too.

Joy will break through, because that’s what joy does. Joy and pain can coexist.

So that’s why Joy to the World is an Advent hymn. May God’s love break through all hearts astir this season and always.

I just finished Alan Wolfelt’s book “Understanding Your Grief: Ten Essential Touchstones for Finding Hope and Healing Your Heart,” and found this excerpt to be spot on:

“You can take all the people in your life and divide them into thirds when it comes to grief support…. One third of the people in your life will turn out to be truly empathetic helpers. They will have a desire to understand you and your unique thoughts and feelings about the death. They will demonstrate a willingness to be taught by you and a recognition that you are the expert of your experience, not them. They will be willing to be involved in your pain and suffering without feeling the need to take it away from you. They will believe in your capacity to heal….. Another third of the people in your life will turn out to be neutral in response to your grief. They will neither help nor hinder you in your journey. And the final third of people in your life will turn out to be harmful to you in your efforts to mourn and heal. While they are usually not setting out intentionally to harm you, they will judge you, they will try to take your grief away from you, and they will pull you off the path to healing.”

I’ve experienced all of these responses this year, maybe not in thirds, because I have many friends in caring professions who ooze empathy. How blessed am I?! When you are in the thick of it, your people will reveal themselves. You will know who you can rely on, and it may just surprise you. Remember, grief makes folks feel uncomfortable, so responses to your grief will vary. I’ll say this 1,000 times over: It’s not you! Be true to yourself and your grief journey. It’s your path to own and to walk. However long it takes. We can do this.

Thank you to everyone walking alongside me. Love and appreciate you all.

It turns out that I’m a creature of habit when it comes to my vacation time each year: spring time change week, wedding anniversary week in June, Minnesota in September, and the week before Thanksgiving.

The November week usually includes decorating the house for Christmas, and for the last three years, writing our tell it like it is holiday newsletter. With the house in good enough shape for this year, I sat down to begin crafting this year’s newsletter early this morning. So many thoughts. Do I title it? How about “2025, and one of us is no longer alive” Yikes. That wouldn’t quite work. Tell it like it is, remember?

I started a photo album in January to make this year’s holiday newsletter that much easier. Oops. January through May were great. Those photos stirred up the memories. Tears. Smiles. All of that. I’m grateful to have captured the moments. Now I just needed some words and additional photos to fill in the rest of the year my life turned upside down.

As with all creative endeavors, I simply needed to crack my heart open and pour it out onto the page, screen, keyboard, whatever. This is why down time is absolutely necessary: to recharge one’s creative spirit so the words can flow freely.

Wouldn’t you know, all the pieces fell into place tonight. No title needed. Tell it like it is: life, love, gratitude, and grief.

If you noticed that I’ve been posting less of my grief journey in recent days and weeks, you are correct in your observations. Rest assured, I’m not over it. Grief doesn’t work that way. I’m making my way through. Another significant stressor required my attention. I *think* that situation will improve after a breakthrough with a dash of boldness. That little rebirth of my being came out kicking and screaming. Phew. This is your reminder to always advocate for yourself.

Now to get back to it. Another sign I was not properly tending to my own healing: the physical manifestations. The horrible headaches. The insomnia. The fatigue. The brain fog. The random familiar and unfamiliar body pains. The anxiety. I’ve been telling myself for months now, “Feel the feelings. Cry the tears. Let it out. Don’t get sick.” Don’t. Get. Sick. You’ve got to process this stuff, folks. If you don’t, your body will remind you to do so.

I listened to a poop-ton of audiobooks about grief in the last 5 months. They are balm for my spirit as I face and embrace the aloneness that accompanies each day’s end. In the book “Understanding Your Grief: Ten Essential Touchstones for Finding Hope and Healing Your Heart,” Alan Wolfelt explains the difference between grief and mourning: “Grief is the constellation of internal thoughts and feelings we have when someone we love dies. … Mourning is when you take the grief you have on the inside and express it outside of yourself.” I find that so helpful in my understanding of all that’s happening for me right now. These writings = mourning. Aha!

I am going to get through this season, tending to my grief, mourning in this way, so that I may live out whatever remains of my own life as holey (with parts of my heart and soul gone), wholly loved by God, while doing the holy work of grief and mourning to encourage and inspire others making their way on their individual and adjacent grief paths.

Ummm, I think I just updated my life mission statement. Peace be with you, dear ones.

5 months today. During this first year, it feels right to mark the months. In some ways, it feels like 5 years. In other ways, it feels like 5 days. The details of the morning I received the “are you sitting down” phone call remain fresh in my memory.

Sharing my grief journey continues to provide some sense of meaning and purpose in an otherwise vast wilderness of discomfort: Not all pain. Not all sadness. Emptiness of a spirit waiting to be refilled, drop by drop. Profound gratitude. Reorientation towards a new vision of the future, where hope abounds, because there is always hope in Christ.

Always forward. Peace, friends.

As a pastor and person who prefers to plan, I am often thinking and working ahead on the next season of the church year, holiday, etc. This trait came in handy when Dennis fell ill and died. I had three months of worship services planned (aside from sermons, I’m not that person).

While grief is teaching me to be more mindful of living in the moment, old habits are hard to break. Over the past few weeks, I’ve been planning Thanksgiving Eve, Advent, and other stuff leading up to but not including Christmas. Typically this would be an exciting and joyful task for me as I’d often create a new sermon series or at least latch onto an obvious overarching theme. Not so much this year.

While my grief work reminds me to anticipate these “first” holidays with realistic expectations of their upcoming blessings and challenges, that takes emotional fortitude. When your storehouse is stuffed with grief, even the smallest things can feel like a chore, including the things you’ve done on repeat, like planning church stuff: This is your gift, woman. It’s well within your wheelhouse. You can do this. The energy the endless pep talks take, all while fending off some other noise and nonsense. Phew. By the grace of God, I’m doing this.

If you are living through a grief season and facing the “first” holidays this year, I am with you in solidarity. I am here for conversation and commiseration. We will get through this. God will show up as God always does, exactly when and where needed.

If you are accompanying someone who is experiencing grief, here are some tips for their care and feeding this holiday season: Be gentle. Continue to show up for them. Send a text or a card. Talk about their deceased loved one by name. Don’t expect them to be either super gloomy or super celebratory. Whatever they are feeling is valid. Invite them to things but don’t freak out if they cancel because they just can’t. Understand that grief comes at unusual and unexpected times and ways.

I am so grateful for you all, especially your prayers, presence, and patience during this season of my life. God is good, from strength to strength. Blessings.

I am filled with gratitude this All Saints Sunday. Bishop Joy preached and presided today, so I was able to worship among the saints of my congregation. My sister was beside me the entire service and enjoyed meeting the folks of St. Luke’s. While I missed hearing the trumpet, I have no doubt that Dennis is among the saints in light playing with the best. I treated myself to supermarket flowers for doing another hard thing.

Grief isn’t all sadness. As time moves forward, grief evolves. If you are in the early stages of acute grief, know that the level of yuck you are experiencing right now will diminish. That’s not to say that every day will be a banner day. Some dumpster fire days come out of nowhere, so you stop, drop, and roll with it.

Imagine yourself covered in sticky notes. Each one represents a loss you experienced at some point in your life. The dog who died. The layoff. The divorce. The bankruptcy. The friend who betrayed you. The car accident. The deaths of family members, friends, and acquaintances. Insert other losses here. You get the idea.

You’re walking around with all of these losses. Some of the sticky notes fall off as time passes and you process the grief associated with these cumulative losses. Everyone has these sticky note grief inducing events, even the folks who deny their existence, claiming to shake them off and have “gotten over it.” If we could see each other’s sticky notes, perhaps our love, understanding, and compassion would multiply.

With apologies to Taylor Swift, you can shake it off, but guess what? Later on you may very well find one stuck to the bottom of your shoe or lingering in your jacket pocket, triggered by an unexpected event, memory, place, or situation. Grief is sticky like that. It never fully goes away.

Did I mention that we ought to be mindful of the stickiness? If you find the losses are hanging on like the superglue construction worker of the 1980 television commercial, you may be stuck in grief. Your spirit will know if this applies to you. Listen to your family, friends, and others who love you. There is no shame in seeking the help of professionals.

As this path of healing beckons you forward, remember that you are not alone. Allow God’s transformative presence and power to break through the pain and sorrow as you process and heal. Grief seasons are growth seasons. While growth comes with varying levels of challenge, it also comes with heaping helpings of grace. Give yourself some. You will get through this.