Memorial Day weekend. Ooof.
It was just another weekend for us, ramping up for a summer with weekends at the campground. With me working every Sunday, it was always who’s going to be where when every summer weekend, chaotic but we made it work. Also, for the fourth year in a row, I was giving the invocation at Rome’s Memorial Day program on Memorial Day itself. I can’t recall if he had a band commitment last year. I’m thinking he took that one off.
That would be our last weekend together. The following weekend, he was on a ventilator. The weekend after that, he was gone.
Right now, I’m reliving all of that. It’s real now. Last year, I went full on pastor mode to get through those days. Now, I can look back and say to myself, “Damn, that was the hardest thing ever. You’re a badass who made it. You are making it, woman.” I am saying those things to myself through cleansing tears, of course, manifesting brave badass. That’s how you do it. There’s no right or wrong way to grieve. You just do it your own way. This is mine.
I cannot bring him back. I cannot replicate all the inside jokes and silliness. I cannot believe it’s been a year without him.
I can write down and document as much as possible before the memories fade with the passage of time. I can choose to live life with deeper meaning, derived from this ordeal. I can carry our love forward in my heart and soul.
I appreciate your good vibes and prayers for the remainder of this month. I’m preaching on Sunday. I missed Pentecost last year. It feels weird and wonky. I’m relying heavily on the Spirit to show up! Sighs so, so deep.
No Memorial Day invocation for me this year. I just can’t. And that’s okay. I’ll make it through the week. I have a special service planned for May 31 as I am anticipating a tough week ahead. Beyond that, I have a week off with special and meaningful plans and remembrances to mark the first anniversary. I’m looking forward to that time off with love, gratitude, and joy in my heart.
Am I doing this wrong? Nope. I’m doing this.