It’s been a week. Two deaths, five days apart. Two funerals, four days apart. And all the usual things in between. Whew.
As I walk with newly minted widows and their families, I am considering what was helpful and meaningful to me in the earliest grief days. Of course, every individual grieves in their own unique time and way, so don’t consider this a universal or exhaustive list by any means.
Here’s what this particular widow wanted and needed in early grief:
Sleep. My sleep was so erratic or non-existent those first few months.
Reassurance, with or without words, that I was not completely broken or forgotten.
To feel safe. This may look like securing the perimeter of the house with lights and cameras, adding locks, etc. Also, driving at night feels scarier with no one to call should something go wrong. Ask me to text you when I get home after said night driving because the person who cared about my whereabouts is gone.
Patience and understanding from people when grief brain and confusion take hold. They will take hold because grief doesn’t care about your master’s degree.
Appropriate levels of human contact. Do not expect me to do much social stuff, but please extend an invite. See not forgotten.
Every day chores felt insurmountable. How I longed for someone, anyone, to clean my house with no pressure to engage in deep conversation. I also wanted someone to come over and cook dinner in my kitchen, using the food I purchased with good intentions, again with no pressure to engage in deep conversation.
Keep in touch after the funeral through cards, texts, phone calls, etc., with no expectation of a response. A meme at midnight may be just what a sleep-deprived widow needs.
Keep saying their name. Keep sharing stories about them and interesting memories.