Always the mathematician, Dennis could solve just about any problem thrown his way, relentlessly working until he found the solution. Try as he might, this skillset did not spill over into other areas. He fully admitted to lacking handyman skills. All the tools and abilities were there, just not the inclination. He joked that was handy with dialing the phone to call someone to get the job done. So, you can imagine my surprise one day back in our Plover era when he announced that he was going to fix the constantly running downstairs toilet. He watched a few YouTube videos and decided it would be a piece of cake. I wasn’t going to talk him out of it.
From the main level of our split-level home, I overheard banging, a few swear words, and a lot of grumbling. What does the pastor wife do? I prayed. A bit later, he emerged from the lower level, looking worse for wear. I told him that I had been praying. He said he appreciated the prayers. That’s when I announced that my prayers were for him to have the wisdom to call a plumber and not attempt the job himself. We both had a good laugh and the story remains in family lore until this day. And wouldn’t you know those YouTube videos worked after all. He fixed the toilet, at least for a while.
Grief seems to bring out the need to “fix” the situation. As the person directly impacted by the loss, I know in my bones that this can’t be fixed. Grief must be experienced. Well meaning dear ones and folks on the outside may suggest “just get out of the house more” or “busy yourself with work” among other things. While that may help them feel less uncomfortable talking to the grief stricken, it can’t fix the situation. I wish a YouTube video laid out the perfect grief plan like fixing a toilet, but there’s no such thing because grief is so individual. A wise friend and mentor once reminded me, “If you run away, you have to take yourself with you.” Nailed it. You can get out of the house all you want or busy yourself with work until midnight, but you ultimately have to return to yourself and living into your new reality. Again I say, grief must be experienced.
I’m grateful for the folks who fix the broken things. I am currently amassing a list of people to call when things around the house need attention that is beyond my scope or YouTube videos. Sons in law and church folks, I’m looking at you, but I suspect you already knew that.
Someone suggested that I put my griefy posts into a book, so I started one and got a copy printed to share with family who don’t do social media. Thanks for the encouragement. Writing has been healing for me on this journey.