As Christmas draws nearer and nearer, the load feels heavier and heavier. It’s not exactly dragging weight like Jacob Marley’s chains. Think: shoveling heavy, wet snow. When your spade first hits the snow, you think, “This isn’t too bad.” It’s lightish, but quickly fills your little shovel to capacity, mysteriously multiplying in weight, requiring you to lift it with all your might, only to toss it into an ever growing discard pile. Just when you thought you’ve cleared the brunt of it, a plow drives by, hemming you in with impossibly dense road snow. December grief feels like that.
It’s just one month. Don’t get your lights all in a tangle, woman. Keep it together. You’ve got to keep showing up. A regular December is challenging enough. This one? Into levels previously unknown.
In between crying out to God for extra grace and courage, I’ve been asking myself repeatedly why this all feels so extra. Of course, I’m missing my person. Duh. That’s part of it. You see, the secondary losses hit like an avalanche this month.
My comfort and joy are playing hide and seek, finding an unbelievably good hiding spot. After all the advent extra services, meetings, visits, planning, and such, the comfort of home always soothed my weary spirit. Home was an oasis for my soul, the place where we spent the bulk of our time doing life together. Not this year. I’ve made every effort to hygge the heck out of my home: candles, cozy throws, holiday music, Hallmark movies, simple holiday decor, etc. It’s festive for sure, but so lonely when your heart is hurting and healing.
Leading up to last night’s Blue Christmas service, I was seriously doubting how I’m going to make it through Christmas services this year. The secondary loss avalanche is real. My creativity is creeping back at a snail’s pace. Cry out to God for grace and courage. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.
With God’s help, I did it. I made it through the Blue Christmas service. At the end, I spontaneously asked folks to join hands as we sang Silent Night to close the service. For a few seconds, I closed my eyes and took in the sound of the voices around me. The Spirit held my heart as love poured in. The dawn of redeeming grace. Thanks be to God