If I had a nickel for every time I picked up a pen, my notes app, or sat down at a keyboard to throw some thoughts together this month, I’d have a dollar or two. But then, like many other good intentions, such as doing holiday baking, deep cleaning the house, or preparing a special meal for myself, it doesn’t happen. The usual demands of December are depleting my energy at an accelerated rate this year. Thanks, grinchy grief. My recovering perfectionist self says, “Do what you can. It will be enough. No one is expecting you to do all the things.” Okay. Now to believe that.
The other morning, a thick layer of hoarfrost coated the trees. As I drove about the countryside, the glistening grabbed my attention, which quickly returned to the icy roads which I needed to navigate. This is how I experience grief these days. Occasionally, some sliver of peace, wonder, or dare I say joy, will surprise me, offering a glimpse of grace, until the griefy road I am on makes itself known once more. My road alone to travel, with a few extra bumps along the way, especially in December.
For those striving to understand how grief works, including myself, believe me when I say it’s not all-consuming at this point. While the tears do not constantly flow, they are mostly held back just beyond my barrier wall of suckitupbuttercup. A song, a memory, a Christmas tree ornament, an empty house, the vast, vacant side of the bed on these freezing cold nights, “dead” letters (how I refer to Christmas cards and other mail addressed to him), the lack of presents for him under the tree, and dinner for one. All these things and more can rouse the grief monster.
Christmas isn’t the same, nor will it ever be. Same goes for me. Not the same person. To my fellow travelers navigating grief this holiday season, I share a line from the country song, “If We Make It Through December” which rings true, “If we make it through December, we’ll be fine.” We will make it through. Hope abounds. May you find pockets of peace this season and experience God’s love in unexpected and glorious ways.