My Facebook bio reads: Broken. Beloved. Brave. I love God. I love people. I love life.
I consider this to be a fair description of myself. As a human, I’m inherently broken. As a child of God, I am beloved. I don’t know precisely how or when I put the brave part in there. It may have been an aspiration or someone’s observation because most days, I’m feeling quite the opposite. And the love parts? That’s God’s calling on my life: love. Full stop. The life-loving part of me seems to be playing hide-and-seek these days. And now that I think about it, I’m putting on a brave face nearly every day.
Someone recently noted that parts of me were starting to get back to my old self. While that may be an interesting observation (brave face, remember?), that old self is not going to happen, at least not the complete self I was before losing my person. Once you experience a significant loss and the grief takes hold, there is no turning back. Your person is gone, leaving a gaping hole in your heart. While I may appear to be the same person on the outside, I am forever changed within. A quote often (falsely?) attributed to Luther reads, “A Christian is never in a state of completion but always in a process of becoming.” (I don’t have the energy to research properly, so you are welcome to fact-check and correctly cite.) Whoever said it first, that quote resonates with me. I am in an intense phase of becoming. A new creation, right? Just what that creation looks like, only God knows.
I find myself hesitant to post these updates as I wonder if they are downers. However, I remain committed to sharing this grief journey. These updates are just how the grief goes: ride the waves as the tears ebb and flow. I suppose that folks can unfriend, unfollow, or scroll along if they choose. Also know that my concerns extend beyond these grief posts: family, staying up-to-date on world and local events, demands of ministry, administrative tasks relating to death, and tending to my body, mind, and spirit, etc. It’s a lot.
Please know that I continue to do and be the okayest that I can every day. Thanks for walking alongside me. Peace.